whampcansee

god i wish i smoked cigarettes

my shoes wore through today. i bought those shoes when i first, first got to towson. now, they are marked with three years of wear, tear, and otherwise abuse. i don't think i will be ok with just throwing them out. i love those shoes. i can't afford new ones. the idea of throwing them out is like giving up a piece of me... or a piece of my history.

today was a doozy. stacey cheered me up. which i needed and appreciated - esp after his poor day. i was tired and grumpy at work... and didn't concentrate well. i am getting burned out at work. i don't function well in such a detail oriented position. i always get down when i feel i am just running the motions.

i got to talk to boy tonight. i'm falling for him. i'm almost not scared at all :). a wise heart is an experienced one, after all. i asked him to be my valentines, and in my 3rd grade moment of glory we giggled and he said yes.

the conference was fun. nothing particularly new. i am going to do two presentations next year. it is a goal. i get so few of these that actually inspire me that i am rather excited by this idea.

i have a presentation coming up that i am not in any way prepared for. i am thinking about dropping my one class... in fact, writing this, i think i will do just that. (maybe not, lol)

scratch what i said before. i already know i love him. i wanted to say it this week, but was scared. i love him. yes, i do.

i needed to core dump. ugh, what a day. and tomorrow will be beyond imagining with the sleep i will be picking up... so it goes.

i really love therapy. counseling. i could do that for a few years, assuming i get the education to deliver such things. even so, there are other helping avenues. i am hating school right now. i am really hating it. i had fantasies about dropping out all day. part fueled by my grump, part fueled by my urge to matriculate. now is not the time for such decisions...

i think rather then continue this dump, i will try the arguably healthier alternative - sleep.

so it goes.

white-hot, i turn my head. blinking, open, and willing.

It's a funny thing to look back at your life and see how you have changed. So much. To flick your eyes up to the great rear-view mirror of experience and painfully, joyfully see yourself smeared on time like an ever speeding slug trail.

I never in a million years saw myself here. Never. So funny the choices I have made. I never expected to become domestic, so tranquil with the mundane. Friends no longer feel like they used to. They drift: life paths, slug paths crossing here and there. Family feels different now too. I guess what I'm experiencing is the weight of my own mortality... my youthful outlook tempered by my knowledge.

I have spent too much time trading one thing for another; trading risk for comfortability. I don't want to be a desperate anything. A year is a short time. Eight more and I will no longer be young. Not in a tragic noxema commercial sense. It has been very easy for me to let life happen to me, instead of make my life happen.

I have found some unexpected friendships that have really boosted me as a person and a soul. I am lucky and glad to have found these people. I guess this trip home for thanksgiving made me feel... urgent. I don't have forever.

I was never a game player. I am too naive and too simple with my feelings to do them. It hurts when games are the better choice... I never know what to do. Substitution, fragmentation... pits of a pained self, healing as I go. The more in touch with my feelings I get, the more introverted I have become. It has been... a relief, to say the least.

Looking for love in all the wrong places: I have started to open my eyes.

I suppose this is an odd place for me to be in. It is easier to push yourself when you like someone. Much harder when it's just you. Growth?

soooo, i don't post much. only when something big happens....

I'm really proud of myself. i told someone i had strong feelings for about it today. it went well... a little too well... but i told em. now the post-telling-you-i-like-you flirting... not sure what to read there? but it's not like i wont see em soon enough. I'll figure it out.

"ill always love you
and make you happy
if you could only say the same
but if you leave me
to love another
well you'll regret it all someday"

just kidding?

other news: life is good, perspective is good. some flaky friends, but then could i ever claim better? karma! Mikey is "17" (shh!) tonight, yay!

"you told me once dear
that you really loved me
and no one else could come between
well now you've left me and you love another
you have shattered all of my dreams"

lets hope not.

got free tickets to the renn fest, WOO!!

"please don't take my sunshine away"

please.

thats about it i think. seeing people, working, loving people, telling people about it, so it goes.

fuck maryland and their ruling. I'm not pressed on marriage, at ALL. in fact it bothers me some. buuuuut, equality starts somewhere... just not in maryland.

***
there is no fear in saying "i love you", it is the most natural thing in the world. the fear surrounding that word comes from the hurt we accrue in our lives, the walls hurt erects, and the fear of being alone... behind our walls
***

writing this fucking article and app... fuck that!! my attention just gets worse, haha, here i come nigeria!! :)

life is good. life trucks along. life is good.

welcome jazmine!!

queer camp. "week off." beach.

three weeks of my life... very intense.

i came out to my grandfather officially, even though we all know we all know, my family has does not talk about their little faggot. so i blurted it out in the car with my grandfather and he was the easiest come out i had, i think... i found out later he was nervous to have the conversation that he knew was coming and was avoiding it a little. cute.

that just leaves granny, then the checklist is done: "HELLLLLLLLLO WORLD, I'M A BIG OL' QUEER!!"

i can tell days when i take my medicine and not. little nervous of the idea of popping speed everyday... i don't want to take these pills longer then i have to.

who knows about school? i sure don't. le sigh.

i've been wanting to try more writing. i've got enough damn material for the book. my advisor wants to publish my writing... i've decided to do it. funny, i never wrote anything when i was younger at all.

Russia next fall... maybe... would be amazing... running around on a bus doing activist work, in Russia... it's the mothership calling.

I think i need to see a doc, my digestive system has been weird recently.

i am also thinking that more attention should be paid to the urban housing markets in the midst of the current mortgage crisis.

im bored. entertainment is lacking. i want a car. (one may be coming...).

i feel like this post is more obligatory then voluntary. i work, i play. period. miss some old friends, making some new ones... blah blah. haha, not cynical i swear, just bored. moving out made me appreciate people so much more. moving in made me blink.

reading has taken my fancy again, this is good. enjoying the finer side of life (sarcasm if you know me). my "boss" gave me gay erotica today... interesting. i like that i am calmed down. id rather watch other people look stupid and funny. not cynical i swear :).

just ate a baked potato the way i like it yum.


yeah... obligatory...

so if you can help two faggots move, let a kid know!!

yeah, they tend to not be the most self-respecting... they're uber butch yet closeted with more issues than someone on a jerry springer ep, or out to the point that they're faces are so shiny and glittery i was once blinded

I crave a smell. Ironic since chronic infections left my olfactory bulb near useless in my teens. I crave the smell of musk; the smell of sweat and moist lips. I want so much to breathe in the trust and vulnerable tang of a lover I don't have and exhale a blanket of tired eyes and soft kisses.

One day a lover of mine told me I would always be safe with him. I always knew that was a lie. His words were sincere, his heart bursting with naivety. I always knew I could never be safe with him in my arms.

I pull him closer, push my chest out, suck in the air and I find him. A brush of hay across my membrane, the indication of the cheap male-marketed soap his parents bought and placed in his shower. The first day I met his parents I recall the smell of their boat I helped him clean. Acrid, like a warm puddle left too long in the sun. This contrasts well with the burnt-cookie smell of his father's disappointment when he flicks his eyes upon his son's lover. That night, as mosquitoes dig our flesh the summer seeps hints of rain tomorrow, the air is heavy and wet in my lungs. I kiss him. I am safe here, in his arms. Days later, wet grass and greedy spit burn my nose as he fucks me for the first time. It was too soon. I open my eyes and exhale my fear. There, in his arms, his words reek of bitter irony. I was too scared, we were both too hurt.

My lover smelled of hay and soap.

One day a lover of mine told me I was amazing, that I was going somewhere. I always knew that was a lie. His words were revering, his heart blinding. I always knew I would never go places with him.

I listen to him deliver what I think at the time is the greatest and most powerful speech I have ever heard. I become a cavity for his strength and conviction, filling me with every breath. We eye, I pursue. After the bitter coffee burps pass my nostrils during our first date, we part exuding giddy bubble-gum lip gloss from our lovestruck eyes. My first conversation with another couple pounds like an assault of Irish cream and beer against my nose. The generic, processed lube and rubber filled vapor from the condoms thrown at us make me feel cheap, unreal. I hold this against him. The police man's attractive cologne teases me as he takes my information and handcuffs me, third date. That night, our first time, we exude green vapor, unsure, proud of what we think we should know about each other's bodies. I smell defeat before I give it a chance.

My lover smells like success and defeat.

One day a lover of mine told me I was silly, he called me boo. I always knew that was a lie. His words were new, his heart beating for love. I always knew he would break my heart.

I struggle over the smell of beer and my own adrenaline. A boy was coming over. He smells like a life I never bought into, but would have invested assets for the chance to touch him. Confidence oozes over him, reminding me of the sharp metallic presence in the air after a lightning strike. I am lost at the first drop of his ping-pong ball in the plastic, disposable cup. Beer splashes up and hits my face, warning me to keep my innocence, to keep my heart whole. The blood rushing through my brain brings endorphine after endorphine to every neuron, drawing out courage and an erection. The alcohol's sharp burn reminds me where my confidence hails from. After I herd guests out the door the smell of my roommate's blanket reminds me of my grandmother's aging body as we fondle for each other's cocks. I wake up in the morning with a man in my bed and a smile on my face. I should have smelled the coffee, known I would never again allow the sweet aroma of an open heart and the overpowering fumes of lust occupy the same space. Fate teaches me hard, and teaches me well.

My lover smells like lessons of lust.

One day a lover of mine told me I was lonely, and he called me foolish. I always knew that was true. His words were clear, his voice direct. I always knew he would chuckle at my insecurities.

I struggle now with the petrochemical smell of lube as I pretend to find love in my left hand. The sweet brush of imagined hay and soap, of anything innocent and lovely tease me while I pump. I can pretend to be back on a boat, or a hair salon, or even a car; the dusty state of my memories making my nose jump and twitter - I have allergies you know. As I pass people walking I catch, for a sliver of time, a smell hinting at a real moment by the lake, free of fear. Scents unimagined, leading to roads never taken. The smell of alone, of cold, sterile alone threads through my sinuses, down my windpipe, filling each crevice of my lung as I come into the air. High, arching white blobs of wasted human heart splatter my chest, alluding to the caress I so desire and miss.

My lover smells like the pillow I sleep with every night.

"People are unreasonable, illogical, and self-centered. Love them anyway. If you do good, people may accuse you of selfish motives. Do good anyway. If you are successful, you may win false friends and true enemies. Succeed anyway. The good you do today may be forgotten tomorrow. Do good anyway. Honesty and transparency make you vulnerable. Be honest and transparent anyway. What you spend years building may be destroyed overnight. Build anyway. People who really want help may attack you if you help them. Help them anyway. Give the world the best you have and you may get hurt. Give the world your best anyway." -Mother Teresa

01. How old were you when you came "out"?
12

02. How old were you when you had your 1st GF?
haha, really?

03. Do you consider yourself Butch, Femme, or Androgynous?
genderqueer

04. Do you have short, medium, or long hair?
medium

05. Do you wear make-up?
sometimes

06. Do you wear men's or women's clothes?
more mens, but i dont shop much either

07. Do you wear cologne, or perfume?
when i dare venture there, cologne

08. Do you carry a wallet, or a purse, etc.?
wallet

09. Do you own any clothing that is pink?
of course, duh

10. Do you carry a pocket knife?
not since boy scouts... lol... good times

11. Do you know how to cook?
yeah, when im not a lazy ass

12. Do you like flowers?
who doesnt?

13. Do you enjoy shopping?
only when i can afford it. otherwise its just a tease

14. Do you wear a bathing suit, or a t-shirt & swimming trunks?
trunks, nothing else

15. Do you enjoy watching romantic love stories?
when I'm in the mood.

16. Has anyone ever mistaken you for being a man?
haha, like once...

17. Are/Were you a Drag King?
i would enjoy it once in a while. but dont have the sass for it.

18. If so, what is/was your name?
sperm doner. haha, idfk

19. Have you ever considered having a sex change & becoming a woman?
yeah

20. Are you into sports?
nope

21. Which sports do you prefer?
swimming, cheering

22. Do you hunt or fish?
PETA BABY!!!

23. Who's Your favorite well-known lesbian?
ELLEN! :)

24. Who's your favorite well-known lesbian singer?
Ani Difranco. You know, I'm beginning to think this survey was designed for women...

25. What's your favorite queer movie?
family stone actually. that i can think of @ 4am

26. Do you ever wear a hat?
sometimes.

27. Are most of your friends Male or Female?
more female

28. Do you consider yourself a "giver" or a "taker"?
giver. but less so then i used to be

29. Do you own any high heels?
i wish

30. How about a dress or skirt?
nah

31. What about a Tux?
nope.

32. Do you own anything with the Rainbow on it?
really?

33. How Often Do you go to gay clubs?
once in a while. boring actually.

34. Ever hit on a stranger not knowing their sexuality?
all the fuckin time

35. Ever wore anything to make your chest flat, so you could look like a male?
nope. yeah, deff meant for a woman

36. Do you have your tongue pierced?
nada

37. Do your parents know that you're a lesbian/Bi?
umm... they know im queer.

38. So who is your main celebrity crush right now?
i dont have a celeb crush. real life ones... oh too many right now :)

39. Who's your favorite character off of The L Word?
im changing this to noah's ark. it would be that one that has been in the relationship for a long time. and the swol one. i like to look.

40. Do you have a deep, medium, or high voice?
more high maybe. i dunno.

41. Do you have any gay pride tattoo's?
nope.

42. Ever been to a Gay Pride Parade?
yup

43. Do you think homosexuals will ever be able to legally marry?
yes, eventually. but i dont like the idea of marriage

44. Do you believe you were born a lesbian/bisexual, or was it your choice?
i think human sexuality is dynamic and fluid. i think constructed identities like gay/lesbian/bi (even queer) are silly. though i have to use them to make people not bust when thinking about their own sexuality.

45. Do you plan on giving birth to your own children, or adopting, etc.?
adopting, open or internationally

its five AM, tylnol PM didnt work. i hate when my head rushes like this. its always when i have too much to get done, that i stress too much to sleep. then i cant get much done the next day.

i talked to whit today, glad to have worked on some of that. still dont know whats goin on next year. left my keys at white's... still have to get them. im so mad i got food poisoning? thursday. i dont know what it was, but it hurt. and i couldnt go to the rally.

i have a computer for a goldfish - its the only thing that i can be entertained by for as long as a fish swimming. i want to sleep

i got my room back into shape, yay for small victories. i miss having someone to cuddle. my pillow and i have been going steady for too long. i dont think its going to work out.

i've been a major asshole recently. blame the pregnancy...

not all vegan boys are cute ;(

disjointed.

i went to a party last night. i didnt really like it. im kind of sick of those kinds of parties, with those kinds of people - and i knew that, but figured what the heck. ooops. i had a good time, but didnt like the party.

i need a new gaydar

blah, im going to try to sleep now

condom king.
mortality salience.
gianna's.
bi-curious.
downeys.
skinny dipping.
multicultural enforcement.
poster shack.
40% off.
woody's.
cheers to you.
"lets go for a walk."
andre.
anonymous bodies of water.
age differences.
gap.
asynisthesia.
NOT gino's.
have fun in Mexico.
cab drivers.

i fell in love with Philadelphia.

its been a bit since i posted, and considering the change (and tragic loss of an hour) in my clocks i felt it appropriate.

stress is such a deep motivator for change. how you handle and choose to see that stress determines everything. i tripped, and almost fell, because of stress recently. but i caught myself, and everything is ok. i have laughed a lot this past month.

idealism. oh, idealism. i miss it. i miss being able to look any situation in the eye and see only what i choose - which was always good and happy. idealism isnt real. idealism is pretty. it looks great to the beholder, it gives an enchanted quality to life. others look at an idealist with awe. but idealism, in the end, will be forced to change, adapt in order to keep the fuzzy, pastel version of life alive. or, idealism will be made to look reality in the eye. this is always a moment of testing and in this case, my case, idealism couldnt hold up. i am waiting to remove this newer, crisper version of vision from myself. i am waiting for a moment where i can feel it again. i expect it to come. idealistic? - i dont know.

i have tried on many... suits, if you will, recently. i know what i dont want. i know that finding what one does want seems to be a never-ending quest of eliminating that which is NOT it. pieces of humanity thrown at my feet, clawing their way to wrap themselves around the idea of love are NOT enough. conveniance is NOT enough. pretty faces are NOT enough. consessions, limited however, ARE part of it. tolerance IS part of it. release of control IS part of it. kindness IS part of it. it will take time.

time. what the hell is that? i miss my family. i flake to myself, and them indirectly, a lot. its been long enough that i should have done things by now. regret is cumulative, and at the end of my life, i dont want enough to choke on. time has tempered me. stress has tempered me. but i am ready to do some tempering myself. time is the key. next year, if i dont get student loans and such, i dont know what i will do. i will work all the time. though i will be taking less classes, i will be working. just replacing one stressor for the other. that is NOT a good idea. but i seem to have little time now to work on such things. VERY frustraiting.

i used to charm people. haha, yes, i used to charm people. that quality has been substituted for honesty and a touch of cynicism. i used to have people excited to see me. i think because i used to be excited to see them too. makes sense. but i dont care anymore. i really dont care. the next three years i am hoping will recharge me.

i have so much research i'd love to do if i can ever get to it...

i remember sitting in my mom's job thinking the whole world was open. in the other room while she worked overtime on saturdays and sundays to make ends meet, to make my life possible and fruitful. i love her so much. i miss her. i am constantly awed by her love for me. and i dont even know the half of it.

i am not waiting to be swept off my feet. i am conceding to time and circumstance. as long as life and i work at a deal to get kids in the next decade, i'll be fine with the way things go.

i miss a lot of my old friends, but at the same time, i see the energy they put into the relationship, and the energy i put in... and i wonder if there is anything left.

i am starting to want a car. strange. my lack of mobility has been such a constant for the past four years, i did not expect to want to alter that situation.

i am a work in progress, and i have been updating my software recently. lets go upgrade!

im becoming more and more disgusted with people as time goes on. and, its quite an ironic twist to my world view, lemmie tell ya. im just as happy as i ever have been, and a touch of cynicism never killed anyone. i feel like a chrysalis about to open. i dont care about half the shit i ever once thought was important. maintaining social ties with people who are irrelevant to my life has lost its appeal. i dont care to be charming and frankly, fuck off is how i feel a lot. i like it. im happy, i really am. but im done with bullshit and in the words of my best friend - "i have my eyes on the prize."

i want it to snow. more for effect then for getting out of school. global warming? what a joke!! i mean this has only been the warmest pattern of weather since forever. but fuck those leftist scientists... its all a conspiracy, to keep me - the hard working CEO - out of a dollar.

im pretty done with caring about a lot of things too. im very disenchanted with people in general as of late, and the attempts they make to carve meaning out of their states. but since i am no different, what useless banter.

snow. i want snow.

OMFG!)*(#&$ WOOOOOORRRRRRKK!!!!!!

i hate finals more then anything. i hate myself for procrastinating even more.

where the hell to start. chaaaaaaaaaaaaaange. so funny how when you arn't looking, everyone wants you. even stranger how now that i had given up, i might just get what i want. some people are just forgetable, and that - it's OK. did i mention drama... oh drama. my dear, dear friends. why do you do the things you do to your lives?? well... i dont know, but i bet they say the same damn thing to me. so the kettle will stop yelling at the pot.

not a lot to say. things are winding down, but they must become SOOOO tightly wound before i can release this semester's spring. interesting how things develop. unsure where the hell im going with anything right now, no need to waste others' time.

i will say one thing. life, as it were, is quite an ironic asshole. in a very good way. so cheers to irony and the dirth of expectations that preceded it. good night and good luck on all that schoolwork im sure most of you have.

Before I go however, allow me to leave you with these two quotes which have particularly galvanized my intellect. Both of these are culminations of thoughts on queer theory and have especially spoken to me as of late...

*Speaking on homosexuals' prevelant self-oppression:
"The majority of homosexuals, like underpaid but genteel office-workers, refuse to join the union. They prefer the imagined status that comes from identifying with the management."

*One of the most consice explainations for the development of "gay pride" I've ever heard:
"'Gay Pride' is the concept formed in opposition to the shame that all gay people are conditioned to feel, a shame that society demands as the condition for its limited tolerance; to deny this shame is to demand unconditional acceptance. It is pointles to limit coming out to "those who will understand"; only by public, indiscriminate, indiscreet self-disclosure can this shame be denied."




if i just bothered to read more i'd be a lot better off. a good brain isnt much use with a lazy owner...

an interesting mix... has caught my eye.



At some point, you have to make a decision. Boundaries don't keep other people out.

They fence you in. Life is messy - That's how we're made.

So, you can waste your life drawing lines.

Or you can live your life crossing them.